NFL Week 5 Picks

We’ve been on fire lately folks. Coming off a strong 11-2 week, we’re here to drop some picks that you can take and run to your local gambling app to line your pockets. As always Moneyline picks and then a spread parlay at the end.

Panthers at Falcons: Walking dead man Dan Quinn goes through this same routine every year. They look like a shell of a team and then they rattle off four or five in a row. They square up against a (dare I say it) SAUCY Panthers squad. I’m going with the Falcons at home for their first win of the year. I’m sure they’ll make me regret this one.

Raiders at Chiefs: The Chiefs didn’t look like their normal selves for the first quarters of Monday Nights matchup with New England. However, they got the ball to their playmakers and put the petal to the floor in the second half. The Raiders will be coming in to this off a tough loss last weekend. I’m leaning toward the Chiefs at home in a game between the two lovable head coaches.

Cardinals at Jets: This will be a game that you never realized was being played this week. I’d rather listen to myself fart into a trumpet than watch another down of Jets football. Murray and the Cards get it done on the road.

Rams at Washington: So the Football Team is going to sit a first round draft pick for Kyle Allen. Did we stop to think of what Haskins could be outside of that Franchise? I’m gonna guess that Aaron Donald has a field day and Allen coughs up at least one ball in a Rams win.

Bengals at Ravens: Joe Cool got the first win of his career last week. However, he will walk out of Baltimore with his third career loss after this game is complete. Bold prediction of this game is all three Ravens running backs make a trip to the end zone.

Jags at Texans: Butt chin O’Brien has been fired from all of his jobs in Houston. This team is in shambles and they need a complete overhaul. Free Watson. The logical pick is for Houston to get their first win, but I’m not sure that they’ll be able to stop Minshew-Mania from running wild. Give me the Jags as road dawgs.

Dolphins at 49ers: When does Tua play? I love Fitz Magic as much as anyone else, but when do you turn the keys to the team over? If not now, I’m guessing not until next year. I’ll take Jimmy G coming in guns blazing after his few weeks off. 49ers big.

Colts at Browns: If you made me watch this game 3 years ago, I would’ve only watched it if you strapped me down to a chair and had a couple hefty redneck women hold my eyes open. Disclaimer I don’t have a fat redneck woman fantasy, I just think that they would physically be able to overpower me and force me to watch a stink bowl. Is there any irony to the fact that OBJ has been unbelievably good again ever since being accused of being a DOO DOO LOVER. I think the secret was really holding him back. That being said, I love this Colts defense. However, the Browns also figured out that they have great offensive weapons. I’ll go Browns at Home, with a late game INT by Uncle Phil.

Giants at Cowboys: God it would be so hilarious if Dallas lost this game too. I just know the likelihood of that happening is so slim. I’ll take the Cowboys at home in a game where McCarthy will probably make Dak try to throw for 700 yards.

Vikings at Seahawks: The Seahawks are a really good football team. Objectively, I think the Vikings are a bad football team. I don’t overthink things like this. Give me the Seahawks in prime time.

Broncos at Pats: If this game is played, it will be the worst quarterback matchup these two teams has produced since the Clinton Administration was in charge. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, give me the Broncos on the road.

Chargers at Saints: Do the Saints have to play on Monday Night 10 out of their 16 games? Is it because the NFL knows that Brees only plays well in those games? The Chargers are a feisty club. I’m feeling feisty right now. Herbert on the road upset on Monday Night Football.

Bills at Titans: Diseases you normally get in a bachelor party town like Nashville are usually of the sexually transmitted variety. However for the Titans , they can’t get Covid out of the locker room. If they don’t play this game, the NFL has to start looking at automatic forfeit of the team who didn’t follow protocol. If this game gets played on Tuesday, I’m going to take the Titans as they are more adapted to the unknown schedule than the Bills are. The Bills have to lose at least 1 game this year, so let’s give them an excuse as to why they lost this one.

Spread Parlay of the week: Jags +5.5, Atl -2, Phi +7

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