Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone out there. Or for the tri-state area, Happy Valentine’s Days! This is a survival guide for all scenarios. Married people, dating couples and single people just looking to get nasty on it. Before you read any further, play this classic American Idol performance by Taylor Hicks to get you in a romantic mood while reading this.
Beautiful, thank you Taylor.
Married Couples: Keep it simple folks. You don’t have to prove your love to each other anymore with extravagant grand gestures. You’re probably both tired and want to just go to bed early because work probably sucked. You don’t need to go to a restaurant that is overcrowded and overpriced. Stay at home, get some takeout and hit the hay by 9:30 (after some tasteful goofin of course). The only gift exchange should be of a nice bouquet of flowers. Let’s not kill ourselves with going over the top married folk. We prove our love in more powerful ways like taking dumps with the person in the bathroom with you.
Dating Couples: We need some effort here people. Maybe your old lady thinks that you are starting to lose interest in her or maybe she’s waiting on that ring and she thinks tonight might be the night. Whatever you do, don’t propose on Valentine’s Day. That rings a gift and they are not entitled to give it back if she leaves your ass for someone better. Nonetheless, we need a good effort on Valentine’s Day. I’m talking sending flowers to their work place. I’m talking you make the reservation at the nicest place in town for a nice meal. I’m talking we’re making homemade chocolate covered strawberries together for dessert. Maybe you accidentally “spill” chocolate all over both of your clothes. Next thing you know…
You get the point though. We’re pulling out all the stop on Valentine’s Day so we can be left alone for a couple weeks. Also you’re screwed considering Valentine’s Day also happens to be Friday this year.
Single People: Stop feeling sorry for yourselves. I don’t want to hear that you’re the only person alone on Valentine’s Day. Do you know how many horny people are alone on this day? A thousand probably within a five mile radius of each other. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, put on a nice shirt and head out on the town. Proceed to find the loneliest looking person in the bar and strike up a conversation. Nothing makes me angrier then single people not taking advantage of people being lonely on a day of love. I think it legitmatelly might be the easiest night out of the year. Shooting fish in the proverbial barrel. Get out of your own way ya dweeb and get to gettin it.
Now a song to send you into the night. If this song’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin.