What’s the big stink about, Walmart?

The horror. The sickening horror. I never like when a story starts with a “mystery odor.” What the hell does that mean? What smells so bad that we have multiple people being evaluated by paramedics to ensure that their last moments on Earth aren’t at a Walmart in New Jersey. It should be said that you never see a story that starts with “Target evacuated due to mysterious odor.” That’s because its the Rodeo Drive of superstores.

Let’s take a look at the possibilities of what the source of the smell could be.

Suspect 1: Door Greeter

Image result for walmart greeters

Who has less to lose than the Walmart door greeter? I’ll answer that for you. Nobody. They are retired and living on the edge. Would you put it by an old New Jersey resident to go into work on a sour stomach? Not me. Could old Rufus be by the front door blowing hot stink into the threshold of the door like there is no tomorrow? You betcha he could. I know if I was old and wanted to get fired by Walmart that this is the way I’d go out. In a stinky blaze of glory.

Suspect 2: Burnt Subway Sandwich:

Image result for walmart subway

Now let’s not put all of our eggs in the old greeter basket. What could produce a chemical smell if it hit the air? How about a piece of Subway bread that is long suspected to be made out of yoga mats. Do you trust the Walmart Subway Chef to not burn something? I trust them less than I would trust the stand alone Subway Chef. If that roasted Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich sits in the toaster for three seconds too long, it could jeopardize the entire Walmart and the inhabitants.

Suspect 3: Walmart shopper does something nuts:

Image result for people of walmart
Image result for people of walmart
Image result for people of walmart

Let’s call a spade a spade. Walmart brings in some of the more interesting characters from throughout the country. Can you blame them when the rollback prices are so damn good though? You think the picture of the first lady is someone that isn’t afraid to take a dump in the cereal aisle? You don’t think that Biscuits N’ Porn woman or man is afraid to defile themselves in the middle of the Walmart releasing their own personal stench airborne? Do you think that whatever that man’s hair is doesn’t smell like its been drug through rainwater and hot soup? I could feasibly see all of these things happening. We can’t place any blame yet because we in all honesty can’t rule anyone one of these things out.

If you can read a headline about the Walmart smelling so bad that you can’t go in and you still elect to shop there, then that is squarely on you if you go get sick as a result. It’s the equivalent of touching a hot stove and getting burnt. You know the consequences for crazy actions.

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