Such a Philadelphia news headline. We live in a land of scavengers. Who would’ve thought you’d park your brand new 2015 Toyota Sienna that you got from the corner car lot, only to come out the next morning to find out that the things running like a piece of shit. You’re absolutely shocked. You took this thing out for a spin the night before and she ran well. You got a multiple head nods at a stop light because it was purring like a cat with a full bowl of tuna. You turn and mention to your wife that the car sounds like a couple of rabid Philly squirrels are doing some goofing underneath the hood. You’re scrambling for reasons why this noise can be happening. Maybe your chunky kid stuck some French fries in the gas tank. Now our initial instinct would be to blame the greasy corner car lot salesman, but little do we know that we’re placing the blame in the entirely wrong place.
Little did you know that a couple rapscallions are taking your catalytic converters overnight. Now I already think it’s a bold move to jump into an unlocked car to steal some change. It takes a set of big nards to just straight up steal a piece of the car and leave with it. Now I’ll be honest with you, I’m not sure where the catalytic converters are on the car or how easy it is to take. However, I do know how impressive it is to be the guy willing to just rip one off a car and walk away like nothing happened. You know what kind of city we have when the PD has to start tweeting about getting shields and locks on car parts.
Philadelphia 6ABC Action News had an interview where a lady says “That’s just city living.” WHAT? You live in a city so that means it’s normal for a dude to come out with a saw and steal your car parts? Where does the city living excuse stop?
“Yea a guy come up to me stole my shoes, kissed my wife, slapped my ass, took my grandmoms ashes and took my car keys, but you know that’s just city livin.” That’s the kind of level we’re going to in this city.
Things like this are the reasons that the suburbs of Philadelphia and New Jersey are getting overrun by people fleeing catalytic converter thieves. I long for the night that someone tries to steal my catalytic converters. I’m replacing mine every night with one of those old timey exploding bank bags that shoots off blue ink. They’ll live in shame looking like a smurf until they get some heavy duty soap.
Be better Philadelphia. What’s next, stealing engines?