Slow news day here in the Philadelphia sports world. So to fill in the gaps, we’re gonna take a dive into the ideal Phillies lineup made up of celebrities that can win a World Series in 2020.
1. 2B: Pee Wee Herman
Something tells me that Pee Wee would be the ideal leadoff hitter. Energetic to get your team started in a game. Very innovative person who isn’t afraid to drop down a bunt or drop his pants at an Adult Theatre.
It’s just the right type of unique personality that is adored in this city.
2. SS: Wallace Shawn
Wallace Shawn is the type of veteran leadership that a team could need. Storied career that spans movies such as Toy Story, the Princess Bride and the Haunted Mansion. A distinct voice that all would yield to when calling for a pop fly in no mans land in center field.
3. 1B: Guy Fieri
Now we’re getting into the meat and potatoes of the lineup. He’s either gonna take you to flavortown or he’s gonna take the hanging curveball downtown. The slick handed first basemen is known for diners, drive-ins and diving for balls down the first base line. An absolute bonafide MVP caliber threat in the lineup.
4. C: Meatloaf
He would do anything for love, but he won’t waste an at bat. Meatloaf is behind the dish (and on the dish for Fieri) for the team. Meatloaf has an arm like a bat out of hell. He’s mowing down a lot of runners trying to steal, you know that two out of three ain’t bad. I know what you’re thinking, I took the words right out of your mouth, when you were trying to think of who’d be batting cleanup for the team.
5. 3B: Bobby Baccalieri
Nobody was done dirtier than my dude Bobby Baccalieri. SPOILER ALERT: I’m still not okay with him gettin whacked in the train store. This team needs toughness though. Bobby is tough, but he’s fair. He’d be a big plug down there at third base. I gotta think that Bobby would be perfect protection behind Meatloaf.
6. LF: Eddie Winslow
Eddie Winslow is going to be our best athlete on the team. Eddie has learned discipline over the years from the guidance of Harriet and Carl. Eddie didn’t even skip a beat when his mom was switched out at the end of the series. That kind of discipline will be needed at the plate while batting behind the big boppers.
7: CF: Lavell Crawford
Lavell Crawford will be the glue that keeps this team together. He’ll provide comedic relief, a positive attitude and a big bat from the CF position. Now some people might question my decision making to put the big man out in center. However, (Stephen A. Smith voice) Crawford is down 120 pounds, so he’ll be moving like Willie Mays out there.
8. RF: Ernie from the George Lopez Show
Honestly, I just felt like Ernie would bring a Bobby Abreu style of play to the team. The only basis I have for this is his haircut. We’d probably be looking to make a mid season trade to replace him.
9. Ace SP: Rick Moranis
I like my pitchers to be quirky. I think the best ones are a little out there. Rick Moranis has never played a normal character. You think shrinking your kids is impressive, wait till he shrinks his ERA under 2.00. He’s also a natural leader too, as my evident as when he played Danny O’Shea in the Little Giants.
Closer: Bobcat Goldthwait
You want to face Bobcat Goldthwait down a run in the ninth. True psychopath eyes on this guy. The stare downs from the mound would be enough, but imagine that voice chirping you from the mound. Pure domination.
Head Coach: The Ghost of John Candy from Cool Runnings
Who’s gonna keep this rag tag bunch from falling apart? How about John Candy from Cool Runnings. If he can keep a lid on a Jamaican bobsled team, specifically Sanka, I think he’ll do just fine with this club.