I’m sick of not having the Phillies playing in the postseason. No other way to say it. I’m willing to sneak to the depths of the Houston Astros to have another parade down Broad Street. However, I think I have found new ways to successfully steal signs without the use of (much) technology. Just good old fashioned gamesmanship. So here are a few ideas that Joe Giradi can implement if he so desires.
- Fans holding giant note cards in center field with the pitches on them: Now I know that this is pretty similar to what has people upset with the Astros, but this new way of cheating won’t involve a battery. A battery comes into play and the game is tainted. In this scenario, we have respected fans go into Ashburn Alley with 50×50 note cards. One man with binoculars tells the other fans the sign and they hold up the pitch for the hitter to see it. The only flaw is that the other team may catch onto this pretty quickly.
- Vendors yell out certain food/drinks: Now this one is going to get a little dirty and difficult to be honest. So for this to be pulled off it will take Aramark’s best version of the Oceans 11 crew. Five vendors stand behind home plate. The pitch gets relayed to the vendors. Each vendor is assigned a pitch type. Fastball=Peanuts getchya Peanuts, Curveball=MILLLLLLER LITE HEREEEEE, Changeup-WOODER ICE RIDA’S WOODER ICE and so on and so forth.
3. Soup Cans hidden in batting helmets: Plain and simple the craftiest idea I have. We make the batting helmets out of soup cans that have strings attached to the dugout. Giradi discreetly whispers into his soup can which is relayed to the batting helmet soup can. Just envision the photo below, but with a soup can helmet on A.
4. We pay off the opponents: We find the weakest player on the opposing roster and we exploit them. We find out personal secrets from their past and we definitely “don’t extort them” for making fielding blunders and striking out on purpose. Maybe we learn that Freddie Freeman shit his pants during a Jr. High Choir show. We call him out on it at the beginning of the three game set and hold it over his head. Next thing you know he’s not hitting .550 in the series.
5. Wear buzzers in their pants: Fatal error by the Astros was that they wore the buzzers on their chest. What if they simply wore it under their pants? Do players get their pants ripped off after celebrating a walk off home run? I think not. Honestly, someone should be fired in addition to the coach and GM for not thinking of that. If Big Pussy from the Sopranos wore the wire in his pants he probably doesn’t **SPOILER ALERT** got shot on the boat.
These are just a few ideas that I’ve put together to help get us through the last few weeks before pitchers and catchers head to Clearwater. We’ve almost made it through to Bryce hair flips and Phanatic hip thrust. Almost there.