Our great nation was born on the backs of brave men and women who lived through the trials and tribulations of the American Revolution. In my opinion my personal champion of that time period was Benjamin Franklin. I know you might be thinking that I have a personal bias for Ben because of his ties to our city, but it goes deeper than that. Ben Franklin is one of the greatest mysteries the world has ever encountered. I’m not talking about the inventions of the lightning rod or the bifocals. I’m talking about the mystery as to why the man pictured above, became one of the greatest womanizers in our nations history.
Now let’s get the obvious factor out of the way. A lady back in those days catches wind (hopefully not the wind blown down the street from the shit rivers) that Ben Franklin is coming into town for a pint and she probably knows she’s going for it just for the story. “What did you do last night?” “Oh nothing, just looked at the hog on a pantless Ben Franklin through the lenses of his bifocals.”
Was his only move saying that he was a Founding Father? Is that the equivalent of a handsome movie star walking into an LA nightclub with a wad of cash and a bag of coke? I mean the Founding Father card has to be the only logical explanation to all of this. Ben is the physical equivalent of the modern day Danny Devito. He’s not knocking down any doors with his long haired horse shoe cut and size 46 waist.
Was it merely the confidence that they were attracted to? Ben had the confidence that most men desire to have. He was so confident in his ability to bed a good mistress that he coined the letter “Advice to a friend on choosing a mistress.” I don’t have the confidence to recommend a mechanic to my friends and this guy has the ability to get the feather pen and write out a tutorial on how to find a good lady of the night.
Was it the fact that he could invite a lady to the crib and pull literal lightning out of the sky to impress her (truth be told I’m not sure if that’s how that actually worked)? My best party trick for impressing girls at parties was doing an impression of a girl from high school who had a smokers voice at 16. I couldn’t compete with Ben.
I’m not even sure that I want to envision what this deviant would be doing in modern day society. He’d be taking the Temple girls out of Mcgillans in droves. He’d be clogging up the Human Heart exhibit at his own museum while taking down a big girl that he met at Dalessandro’s inside the display.
Truth be told, I’m not sure how this came to bother me tonight or why I can’t get over it. All I can be sure of is that even back in the 1700’s money and fame still won out.
PS: This sick mind also invented a version of the catheter. So if you’re ever in a spot where that needs to happen to you, you can thank this ladies man for the idea.