After boasting about how strong my picks have been in last weeks column, I proceeded to take a steaming hot dumper on my picks last week going an abysmal 5-7. Let’s right the ship.
Texans at Titans: Ah yes, the old tale of being the overlooked team because you couldn’t follow protocols and infected multiple people with a deadly virus. Then they act like the world has done them a disservice for acting like ding dongs.
However, the Titans rolled on Tuesday and Tannehill is quite frankly playing some of the best football we’ve seen in over the past two seasons. For the Texans, they finally found life last week. I hate picking divisional games, so I’ll just take the better of the two teams in this one. Titans at home.
Bengals at Colts: If you held a gun to my temple last year and told me to watch these two teams I would’ve told you “Do it fam.” However, these two teams are enjoyable to watch due to a great defensive front seven in Indy and a fun Quarterback in Joe B. I’ll take Old Man Rivers today at home. Colts in a close one.
Falcons at Vikings:
I’m back on my bullshit of wanting to pick the Falcons in a game. This must be what it’s like to be addicted to crack cocaine. You know the crack is bad and doesn’t love you back, but you just can’t help yourself because this is the time you believe that it’s going to be a healthy option for you. Today, I solemnly swear that I will not pick the Atlanta Falcons. Captain Kirk and Justin Jefferson Starship take home a victory at home.
Broncos at Patriots: The Broncos have now had to wait for multiple weeks to play the Patriots. Which means that Bill Belichick has been slowly walking on his treadmill for two weeks thinking of ways to pull down Vic Fangio’s pants and embarrassing him on television. Give me Cam to have a big game and the Pats to win.
Football Team at Giants: Our Toilet Bowl game of the week is brought to you by Charmin. Football Team on the road in a game where Daniel Jones develops an Eli face.
Browns at Steelers: On paper this is probably one of the best games of the afternoon. Both teams are coming off of wins and will clash in the Steel City. Big Ben may have found his new go to target in Chase Claypoole. While the Browns have went to the KISS model. Keep It Simple Stupid. They’ve fed their big players the football and good things have happened. I believe that the Browns will leave a big skid mark on Big Bens pants and take home a road dawg victory.
Bears at Panthers: Teddy Bridgewater for a pay day and now he’s been pretty damn good for the beautifully rotund Matt Rhule. Chicago is somehow 4-1. That’s the only statement that accurately describes what’s going on with the Bears season. I think this game comes down to coaching. Matt Nagy needs to trust Foles ability to put his voice into this offense. Which I firmly believe that he will not do. So that being said give me Matt Rhule’s pumpkin build at home.
Lions at Jaguars: When does the ownership in Detroit realize that Matt Patricia probably was really great when he worked under Bill Belichick because Bill Belichick probably made a lot of big calls? If he was a more likable guy, I would cut him a break. The ironic part is that the Lions is filled with very likable players. For Jacksonville it’s the same old song and dance as always. They just need to stay the course and keep plunging this toilet clogged season down the drain and into draft season. I’m going with Detroit on the road.
Jets at Dolphins: There sure are a lot of games that I don’t want to watch this afternoon. Fitzmagic is due for a Fitztragic game, but I don’t think it’s today. Miami at home.
Packers at Bucs: The Bucs are really beat up on offense. They let a lead squander last week and Tom Brady looked dumb. That’s not great news for the next opposing teams in most occasions. However, the Packers have the rejuvenated Aaron Rodgers rolling. This is going to be labeled as a high scoring affair, but it may end up being one sided. Packers win this on the road.
Rams at 49ers: “Jimmy G was benched because he’s banged up and the game was out of reach.”
The problem was that everything about San Francisco looked pedestrian last week. The Rams have been pretty damn consistent this year. I think the offense is at their best when they are feeding Henderson the ball more than the other backs. I think this one ends up having the under hit and the Rams win.
Chiefs at Bills: The Monday Night Special Kansas City Chiefs are back in the time slot again. The Bills took some major body shots on Tuesday Night and have the quick turn around today. The Chiefs tend to overlook lesser teams and are ready to roll against big time teams such as Buffalo. Which leads me to believe that Mahomes puts up big numbers against a shaky Bills defense. How bout them Chieeeefs!
Cardinals at Cowboys: After the devastating loss of Dak last week, Dallas has to go into a tough matchup with Scut Farkas leading the charge. Now I can’t stand that the talking heads are saying that the drop off isn’t that big. Do they not get how many passes Dak makes on the move that can’t be completed by the red rocket? The Cardinals beat bad teams and lose to good teams. The recipe is pretty simple. I don’t think Dallas is a bad team under Dak, but they very well could be labeled that under Dalton. Kyler wins a prime time game.
Parlay of the week: NE -8, PHI +9.5 and GB -1