As I watched a firetruck drive a bunch of grown men in mascot costumes across a freshly paved temporary highway, I finally understood why we went through the year we had as sports fans in this city. We needed to save our big victory for the rebuild of the most important highway in the country. We weren’t meant to get a hit in Game 4 of the World Series. The Union weren’t supposed to score a penalty kick. Jonathan Gannon wasn’t supposed to call an NFL defense in the Super Bowl. We were destined for our greatness in June of 2023. We were meant to be the greatest industrial performers of this century. The only clutch jeans we had in this city was a pair of carpenter jeans. Now, our union workers weren’t without some additional help. Our beloved mascots apparently played a crucial role in the rebuild of our city. Let’s take a deep dive into who provided the best efforts on the mascot side of the project.
5. Gritty:
If it were up to the old Flyers regime, Gritty would’ve had danced on the rubble of I95 and squeaked his palms at cars sitting in traffic, all with the hopes that they could sell some shirts while their team imploded under the guidance of complete morons. Thankfully, the Flyers have started to rebuild at the same speed as 95 was fixed. However, Gritty wasn’t much help. He would walk passed a freshly completed part of the rebuild and then smash it all while pointing to the fact that he’s used to it because the flyers have a rage room. The flyers don’t have a captain or salary cap room, but we have a rage room in the stadium. It’s a true wonder that one person attended a game under Chuck Fletcher and Comcast gaggle of idiots. Oh well, to a better future and less focus on Gritty for years to come.
4. Franklin the Dog:
Franklin seems like a good boy. However, when your replace a union man like Hip Hop, you’re bound to be disliked in some realms. The rumor was he did some nice work in the search of debris utilizing his canine based skill set. However, the rest of the time he was tied up in Daryl Moreys backyard being forced to watch James Harden highlights from his years in Houston, while Morey typed out a super max contract for him. All in all though, Franklin was a team player. I wish the same could be said about the rest of the organization when you have a 4 point lead with 5 minutes to play in Game 6 against your biggest rival.
3. Swoop:
It comes as no surprise that Swoop put on a clinic at the construction site. I was told that his constant flapping of his wings did wonders for the drying process of the freshly paved road. It was also rumored that Swoop was the coffee guy on scene. Every shift he was flying in a fresh round of coffee and a reusable bag (Swoop lives in Burlington County, NJ) full of Newports and various tins of dip. It got the gang going.
2. The Phillie Phanatic:
The ultimate team player. Come rain or shine, the creature from the Galápagos Islands is there. Rumor has it that the Phanatic employed his size 62 waist line to hoist building materials to the scene. He was said to have kept everyone loose and relaxed which is the breeding ground for a successful job. The only problem about the Phanatic was he was an HR nightmare. In two weeks, he piled up a litany of complaints from female employees. From streaking, to aggressive humping motions and unwanted kisses. He has a little bit of a self control problem, but hey we all have our crosses to bear. (Disclaimer: Workplace harassment is nothing to joke about).
1. Phang:
This shocked me as well. At first I thought, who the hell is that avatar looking dude on the construction site. Then someone explained to me that the Union have a mascot named Phang and it started to make a little bit more sense. Overall, the biggest check in the Pro column was that Phang was in the best shape by far. He’s jacked, not other way around it. When you have to chubsters you’re competing against like Gritty and PP, it becomes easier to stand out. Phang worked round the clock as well. Made sure that all the old heads got their naps in their trucks and the supervisors of the jobs stayed away. Phang also provided the beers and narcotics to the workers to keep them motivated. (Not all of the workers did drugs, just the ones that look like they do drugs). Phang was also have said to have taken all unprosecuted criminals from the city to the DA’s office to protest that they needed 95 open again so they can flee from their shootings with greater ease. Now, I don’t agree with what Phang did to get the ball rolling, but we needed that highway back.
All in all, it’s unbelievable that the road is opened. The hard work of Philadelphians has restored balance to the roadways and the people that worked on it should be commended for their unbelievable hard work. Blue collar cities keep the world going round.
Burbs of Philly 